Online Love Totally Free love dating for singles

I really, we would all meet our future spouses, live in the same town, date for about a year and get married in two and never be separated again, ideally. I have friends who've done this successfully and then there are people like me. The best laid plans? Reality somehow interferes with. The easy way everyone else seems be blessed with, my road will traverse the toughest. Currently I am in a three-and-a-half year relationship; for the past twenty months, it has been long distance with me in Oregon and he in Southern California and Paul and I are not alone.

Couples Company's Laura Dawn (pictured) talks about how her long distance relationship flourishes and what pitfalls to avoid and how she and Paul (Background) have grown together despite 2 years of physical separation within their four year relationship.

Take Loretta Lynn, country-singing legend for example. Two thousand miles separated her and her husband, due to financial issues in the beginning while he made enough money to bring her and his family out to the Pacific Northwest. My best friend from junior high met her husband of eighteen years now on vacation in Canada when she was fourteen. They corresponded by letters and phone for six years before marrying. Today she's a Veterinarian and he's a successful businessman in the San Francisco Bay area. They have been together ever since. Both of these instances, Loretta and my friend occurred during financial hardship, which prevented them from seeing each other. Their love and relationship grew and strengthened without money. This is important.

A LITTLE HISTORY

Paul is my second serious long-distance relationship; fortunately we enjoyed nearly two years together in the same area before circumstances consisting of financial issues, serious illnesses in both our families, September 11th and business concerns mandated separation for what seems like an eternity now. That foundation, the two years together represents one of the key factors in our staying together. We have the history to fall back on when loneliness and both our Mother's insistence on "When are you getting married and when will I see grandchildren" sets in. Next week I'll be thirty-eight and next year he'll be fifty. Our mothers do have a point, even though he's already given his Mom two grandchildren, boys today seventeen and twenty-one from a previous marriage. My only prayer is I'll be a mother before a grandmother! TOP

My first long distance relationship, neither strong nor fulfilling though at the time I convinced myself I was twiterpated beyond belief, lasted eleven months beginning over a separation of three-thousand miles and ended within ten weeks of us both moving to Los Angeles in 1996, for different reasons. He was in the entertainment industry and I was in the media. It turned out the idealism and fantasy we enjoyed in separate states and on the occasional weekends he flew me out to South Carolina failed the Litmus Test of close proximity with its day-to-day contact.

In retrospect everything was wrong with this first relationship. We had physical, aesthetic and recreational intimacy and based the entire relationship on that and sexual intimacy. The meat, the substance of the relationship found in intellectual, spiritual and emotional intimacy, never materialized. By the time we split, he'd been cheating on me for six weeks with a girl he'd met in a Hollywood nightclub, and she had already moved in with him. As humiliating as the experience felt, the lessons of it taught me well. These lessons serve as guidance today.

To understand what makes a long-distance relationship work, you must also understand what causes them to fail. Like any living entity, and I do consider a relationship a living entity, it requires care, consistent attention, openness, honesty and a will to stick it out even when it gets tough. The physical affection must be replaced with mental affection coupled with an openness to reveal fears, hopes, joys and sadness unencumbered and raw. These are the caresses, without substitute that sustain over distance. TOP

THE HARDEST PART: NO TOUCH OR SEX

The hardest part of distance revolves around sex and the absence of all touch, which is sexual intimacy. When Paul asked me what I wanted to do first upon arriving in Southern California last month, the answer was easy: I wanted to lay on his lap on that big brown couch, having him hold me, play with my hair and lightly caress me while we watched movies. This is what I miss more than anything else. Not sex, not going out, I missed lying on his lap to watch movies. Surprised?

Finding substitutes for sexual and intimate touch, the simplicity of stroking your lover's hair, holding hands or snuggling on the couch, even just flirting and being told you are beautiful or desired, these impact and cannot be ignored. Seeking solutions often manifests into a full-time job. Some people use exercise, work and public activities for distraction, others like myself seek other avenues of distraction and fulfillment. People, regardless of age, ethnicity or sex need to be touched and those with children in long-distance relationships enjoy an advantage over those without. Though not sexual, hugs, kisses and touching provide the contact with others and an outlet for expressing love toward another a childless person must go completely without. Children also provide a distraction and positive outlet with reciprocal affirmations of affection.

When touch evaporates, given time we gravitate toward those who give it. Add a few mind-altering refreshments, and often we'll find ourselves facing an activity for temporary relief that if acted upon may destroy a potential lifetime of happiness. For me, this has been the most grueling and challenging part of being separated. Shortly after arriving in Portland, I frequented clubs simply to be around other people my age and talk. The absence of my LA based urban tribe weighs heavily and I often feel quite lonely. I refer jokingly to Portland as my own personal purgatory. My memories of my teen years in this town fall short of ideal and even shorter of happiness.

After a time, my very flirtatious nature kicked in. Shortly thereafter I realized, as long as my boyfriend resided so far away, if I were to stay faithful, going out by myself eventually leads to disaster. This must end. The men I flirted with held no consequence. I saw only my lover in them and in reality it was only he I wanted to be with. Still, I needed to be told I was still attractive, still desirable, still sexy and let's face it, still wanted. Distance often manifests in a pilferage of mind games, strengthened by experience for those unfortunate victims of prior infidelity. This craving of attention and affirmation is a shortcoming of my own personality and insecurities, but a need all the same. Finding a solution to this proved daunting.

Circumstances kept us apart for thirteen months straight and then another nine and now another five before we'll be together permanently. Old boyfriends started looking really good, familiar and suddenly very available. Any man in general started looking good. I missed being held, being touched, going out, being treated like a lady, enjoying male companionship and conversation, even the irritating differences men bring to the table we women often find annoying. I missed men, but mostly I missed him.

SOLVING THE ISSUES OF A TOUCH-STARVED RELATIONSHIP

To solve the touch factor, I treat myself to a full-body massage whenever I can afford to. If finances are low, I pay the three extra dollars at the nail salon for the ten-minute foot massage and massaging chair or shoulder rub. I've also become addicted to our French Almond massage oil, which I used on him during our last three-week visit. Massaging it into my legs and arms, it creates a friction of heat and it is almost like he's touching me. Then before going to bed and falling asleep, I cuddle up in one of his shirts surrounded by the scent of our last encounter and lots of pillows where his body should be. Silly yes, but I find it comforting.

As for sexuality, abstaining fully is not an option, at least for me. I relish all aspects. Fortunately achieving such liberation today does not require cheating. An electrical outlet, hand or batteries and quickly the sexual tension paired with lascivious intentions melt away. Though far better and more gratifying with him, as a temporary fix these suffice and cure my wanderlust intentions, while preventing me from seeking fulfillment elsewhere.

Sex is big part of a romantic relationship, though going all the way illustrates a minute portion of sexuality. The trick to long distance relationships revolves around keeping the sexuality, flirting and innuendo alive…and not expecting too much when you finally do see each other physically again!